


For The Sexy Fun Times

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Sex Shop, he must have kinks, oldfic, she certainly does
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:57:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River takes the Doctor shopping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For The Sexy Fun Times

“Are you sure this is the right shop?” 

“Quite sure,” said River, tugging him out of the doorway and into a shop full of underwear and... other things. Things that the Doctor didn't want to admit he knew about.

“I need underwear,” she told him, stopping to look at a bra with lots of little ribbons on it. 

“What about something in cotton from Marks & Spencers? Donna used to swear by them.” He'd thought bra-shopping with Donna was the most blush-inducing thing that had ever happened to him, but then he'd met River and that experience had plummeted out of the top ten.

“This isn't underwear for putting on,” said River, “this is underwear for taking off. You do understand the concept, don't you?”

The Doctor thought about that for a moment. “Not really,” he admitted eventually. He noticed something semi-sensible on a rail and picked it up. “Look, TARDIS blue!”

River took the hanger from him and replaced it on the rail. “I'm not dressing as your other woman." She led the Doctor to a corner of the shop full of chilly-looking clothes. “But if you're into costumes, they have quite a nice selection.”

“Are you wanting to dress as a clown?” asked the Doctor with mild horror. 

“Have you ever met a sexy clown?”

“I don't think such a thing exists,” said the Doctor, trying not to wonder about where baby clowns came from. 

River posed with a short white dress in front of her. “Shall we play doctors and nurses?”

The Doctor shook his head. “Nurses don't dress like that.”

River rolled her eyes. “It's a _fantasy_ , Doctor, it doesn't have to be accurate.”

“I'm not even a real doctor,” he admitted.

River put the nurse outfit back. “Fine. Naughty nun? Fire-fighter? Schoolgirl?” She nudged the Doctor. “There must be _something_ here that you like. You must have sexual fantasies.”

“Of course I do!”

“What are they, then?”

The Doctor bit his lip and looked at the ceiling for inspiration. “Um... hats.”

“Cowgirl?”

“Lollipop lady?” he tried.

River stared at him. “You think old ladies helping children cross roads is sexy?”

“Er... traffic warden?”

River nodded encouragingly. “That could work. You could park the TARDIS somewhere and then I give you a ticket. And then?” she prompted.

“Then I pay a fine,” said the Doctor, “and promise to be more careful in future.”

“I thought you'd be good at role-play, since you lie constantly anyway.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I wasted a month playing World of Warcraft. That's four weeks of my life I can never get back.”

“ _Sexual_ roleplay,” River clarified.

“Oh _that_. What about if I pretend to be me and you say that you're you?”

“You're missing the point here, Doctor.”

The Doctor looked about the shop and quickly realised that there was no safe line-of-sight. He picked up a white lacy number. “This would be nice if it wasn't broken, I suppose.”

“Broken?”

“There's a hole where the crotch should be. They must have made a mistake at the factory.”

“That's deliberate, Sweetie.”

The Doctor frowned. “What? What possible use could that be?”

River patted his arm pityingly. “It means you can have sex without taking it off.”

“Oh,” said the Doctor. And then “Oh! You're ashamed of your body and you want to hide it from me.” He took her head between his hands. “River, you are beautiful. If I regenerated into a body like yours I'd be very happy with it.”

River slapped his hands away. “Thank you, but I don't have body-issues.”

“Are you sure?”

“I just want to make our sex life more interesting.”

The Doctor was deeply confused by this point. “More interesting than what?”

“More interesting than it is.”

“Well, _I_ like it. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't interesting. Or I would but I'd complain the whole time. You'll have noticed that I don't do that.”

River gave in. “All right, fine, what do you want me to wear to seduce you?”

“Clothes?”

“What sort of clothes?”

The Doctor did have a preference, as it happened. “Something that isn't too complicated to take off. There are whole eras of history where I forget what I'm undressing someone for by the time they get halfway out of their scaffolding.”

“Oh, Sweetie,” said River, “you're so... surprisingly mundane sometimes.”

“Thank you,” said the Doctor, assuming it was a compliment. “Can we go now?”

“But -” River started.

The Doctor leaned in and whispered in her ear. “It's just that those jeans make your arse look fantastic.”

And so once more the Doctor missed the point but River got laid anyway.


End file.
